It is only a matter of time. Our own president is openly taunting another despotic man-child dictator to launch a nuclear attack on places like Hawaii (with all of its Muslim-ban hating liberal judges) or California (whose total annihilation would definitely help his chances of winning the popular vote next time around). We can’t even rule out the president himself launching a nuclear strike against CNN headquarters because Anderson Cooper aired the Russian hooker tape.
Point is, nuclear winter is coming.
It is tough enough braving the perils of Disney World when you have kids let alone a scorched wasteland where irradiated madmen roam the streets in Priuses with chainsaws welded to the chassis.
If you and your family find yourselves in the middle of a nuclear attack, here is a handy survival guide:
- Do not stare directly at the blast: If you are outside and see the flash, do not look directly at it. Depending on the size of the bomb and your distance from it, just looking at it can melt your eyeballs quicker than Kellyanne Conway’s nudes. Even if you survive, you will be blind for life. You should also not try to take photos of the blast. Remember, when the bombs start falling, all social media will cease to exist as well so nobody is going to care about your heavily filtered mushroom cloud selfie.
- Do not try to outrun the blast: When was the last time you were able to get out of the house on time with a small child. They won’t even have found their second shoe by the time all of the highways have snarled into a parking lot-like traffic jam. Those stuck in that traffic jam will be especially prone to road rage since they will all have crying kids in the backseat lamenting that there wasn’t enough time to charge their iPad before they left and mom forgot the last charger on Earth. The cheap aluminum of your standard Chevy will offer little protection from the radiation fallout anyways.
- Find an old refrigerator: If pop culture has taught us anything, it is that old fridges are the only way to survive a direct blast.
- Seek shelter: Move your family into a room without any windows, closest to the center of your home such as a windowless bathroom. Be sure to lay claim to the bathtub as it will be more comfortable to sleep in than a cold tile floor. The more layers you have between you and the radioactive material the better. If you have a basement or bunker, stay away from any windows and stay against the walls. Close all the doors, windows, vents and open crevices leading to the outdoors. Turn off your air conditioning and all appliances that circulate external air into your home. Pets should be brought indoors. You might need to eat them later.
- Get comfortable: Pack pillows and mattresses or cots in a safe, clean space in your basement or windowless room so that your family can sleep and stay as comfortable as possible. Have these items in an easily-accessible space in the room designated beforehand. Then you’ll have all your resources in one place and everything is accessible to you and your family.
- Be prepared to wait out the fallout: Although it quite natural to scoff at doomsday peppers for being paranoid/inbred/mentally deficient and/or Trump supporters, there is a valuable lesson to learn about being prepared for a cataclysmic event, especially when kids are involved. It is a good idea to have approximately a 3-year supply of batteries on hand. That should last a five-year-old at least two weeks. Also, fruit snacks. Kids can live for months on nothing but fruit snacks.
- Air freshener. Lots of air freshener: Kids smell funny even in the best of times. Pack extra sets of clothing in a storage container so that you and your family can stay fresh and as clean as possible without access to showers. Pack hand sanitizer and wet wipes that you and your family can use to wash down your bodies and clean yourselves because you will not be able to use the water. Also, don’t drink the water.
- Stay connected: Now that you have survived the initial blast and fallout, be prepared to spend the next two weeks in closed confinement with your family. This is the point when even the most sane individual will contemplate setting themselves on fire. A battery operated emergency radio or television will help keep you informed. Do not write this off as “fake news” just because you didn’t see it on your racist uncle’s Facebook page first. Emergency personnel will be able to instruct you when it is safe to go back outside.
- Avoid glowing cats: Now that the radiation has dropped to a safer level and it is time to venture outside, be sure to avoid any animals that glow in the dark. This can be tricky because kids usually love shiny objects. They also love animals. Do not, however, under any circumstance allow them to play with glowing cats. Contrary to 90% of superhero origin stories, you or your kids will not develop superpowers if you are bitten by one. You will only exhaust your precious supply of Paw Patrol bandaids. This is a bad thing because those will be currency in the post apocalyptic economy.
- Arm the minivan: At this point, the world is a smoking husk of its former self. Life as you know it is over. Your only real option is to take your clan to the open road as you carve out a meager existence trading cans of beats, radishes and other foodstuffs with the small outposts of the other survivors. Up to a .50 caliber turret can be mounted safely on top of your minivan. This will intimidate rival road warriors into giving you their gasoline supply. Teaching your young child to wield a razor sharp boomerang is also a good idea at this point.
Enjoy the apocalypse everybody!